Today I was listening to iTunes music. A song I've heard multiple times came on, but this time things stood out to me more than they have in the past. I stopped what I was doing to think for minute. I thought, "Life really is beautiful. There are moments that are hard, moments that are glorious, moments I wouldn't trade for anything, and moments I want to escape. But all of that is life and all of that is what makes it beautiful. Life is full of miracles, big and small, it's a series of miracles. I don't need to understand everything. Life will happen and as long as I keep moving forward I can come to understand better, life."
The song is lovely. Listen to it here. (This is just the song, not a music video or anything.)
Anyways, it made me stop, think, and appreciate who I am, where I am, and what I'm doing. Even though I don't completely understand it all, it is beautiful!
The lyrics are:
Life is beautiful
We live until we die
When you run into my arms
We steal a perfect moment
Let the monsters see you smile
Let them see you smiling
Do I hold you too tightly?
When will the hurt kick in?
Life is beautiful
But it's complicated
We barely make it
We don't need
To understand
There are miracles
Miracles
Yeah, life is beautiful
Our hearts
They beat and break
When you run away from harm
Will you run back into my arms?
Like you did when you were young
Will you come back to me?
And I will hold you tightly
When the hurting kicks in
Life is beautiful
But it's complicated
We barely make it
We don't need
To understand
There are miracles
Miracles
Stand
Where you are
We let all these moments
Pass us by
It's amazing where I'm standing
There's a lot that we can give
This is ours just for the moment
There's a lot that we can give
It's amazing where I'm standing
There's a lot that we can give
This is ours just for the moment
There's a lot that we can give
Wednesday, October 15, 2014
Tuesday, September 23, 2014
BYU-Idaho Graduation 2014
(Photo credits: Amy Worthington)
Tuesday, September 16, 2014
#jdills100daysofgratitude....
Several months ago I found myself in a little bit of a rut. I recognized that I wasn't really myself and I felt really down. I decided that I wanted to re-find myself, my happy heart and grateful attitude. I thought about what I could possible do that wouldn't be to difficult or time consuming, but would help me recognize all I have to be grateful for. I decided that I would try and look for the good in my day and recognize how many blessings I have in my life. Now, in the past I've tried this before and after 5 or 6 days felt ok and forgot about it. I decided that this time was going to be different. I wanted my goal of being grateful to have a lasting effect and help me re-establish my habit of recognizing blessings.
So, I decided that every day for 100 days I would post a picture of something I was grateful for on Instagram. This way I would be (hopefully) held accountable by myself and by others.
I began. One day at a time, for 100 hundred days, I looked for something to be grateful for. Some days it was REALLY hard, some days it was all I could do to come up with one thing to be grateful for. Some days it was really easy, I had so many things I felt grateful for that I was overwhelmed. It became something I looked forward to every single day. I found that as the days passed by the things I was grateful for went beyond the surface and became deep meaningful things. I found myself full of gratitude and happiness. By the end of the 100 days I had accomplished what I set out to do. I was out of my rut. My heart was happy and I was happy to be alive.
For day 100 I knew exactly what I wanted to post, but I first wanted to write a short blog about what I was grateful for on day 100. (So day 100 was actually weeks ago... whoops!)
#jdills100daysofgratitude #day100
Today I am grateful for myself. I'm grateful for the life I've been given and I hope that I can live it in a way that will not only make my parents, husband, and Heavenly Father proud, but in a way that I am proud of it too. I am beautiful. I can do easy things. I can do hard things. I can face my fears, live my dreams, have hope in the future. I am a wife, a daughter, a sister. I am a creator, a giver, a lover. I can say with 100% certainty that today and every day I am grateful for me. I am me and that is EXACTLY who I want to be!
So, I decided that every day for 100 days I would post a picture of something I was grateful for on Instagram. This way I would be (hopefully) held accountable by myself and by others.
I began. One day at a time, for 100 hundred days, I looked for something to be grateful for. Some days it was REALLY hard, some days it was all I could do to come up with one thing to be grateful for. Some days it was really easy, I had so many things I felt grateful for that I was overwhelmed. It became something I looked forward to every single day. I found that as the days passed by the things I was grateful for went beyond the surface and became deep meaningful things. I found myself full of gratitude and happiness. By the end of the 100 days I had accomplished what I set out to do. I was out of my rut. My heart was happy and I was happy to be alive.
For day 100 I knew exactly what I wanted to post, but I first wanted to write a short blog about what I was grateful for on day 100. (So day 100 was actually weeks ago... whoops!)
#jdills100daysofgratitude #day100
Today I am grateful for myself. I'm grateful for the life I've been given and I hope that I can live it in a way that will not only make my parents, husband, and Heavenly Father proud, but in a way that I am proud of it too. I am beautiful. I can do easy things. I can do hard things. I can face my fears, live my dreams, have hope in the future. I am a wife, a daughter, a sister. I am a creator, a giver, a lover. I can say with 100% certainty that today and every day I am grateful for me. I am me and that is EXACTLY who I want to be!
Monday, May 19, 2014
Journal Entries
I promised more blog posts about my struggle with infertility and I intend to keep that promise. With all of my sharing my goal is to be honest with myself. This writing is more for me than anything, but I want to be a strength to others if I can. So, here goes. I was reading through my journal last night and came across several passages from a few years ago. I thought I would start my "sharing" of some of the experiences I've had throughout this journey by sharing a portion of a two journal entries.
September 10, 2012:
"There have been many occasions over the past several weeks and months where I have wanted nothing more than to pour out my heart and soul to someone and have them truly understand what I am trying to say. Moments where I have wanted to share my most personal thoughts and feelings. So personal, that I never speak of them. There have been moments of great heartache, pain, desire and a wide array of other things. I have wanted to give up, lose hope, quit trying and run away. But I tell myself no. No, I must push on. Life is hard, not the kind of hard like a math final or learning to ride a bike, but the kind of hard where you really question EVERYTHING. Yourself, your beliefs, everything you thought you knew without a doubt, your decisions, simply everything. Who is there to turn to when you feel like this??? Well duh, the answer is God. But that's hard. It is so hard to be humble and go to God saying "I have no one left to turn to but you. Please take care of me." And then, expect and have faith that he will. It's hard. It's really hard. I used to be good at this kind of thing, but lately it's like I know what I need to do, but the process seems all to difficult, painful and time consuming that I would rather just spend time moping around a little. BUT I know the way out of this rut is to turn to God, serve others and look outward. It will all work out in the end, and if it hasn't worked out, then it is not the end."
Several weeks later I wrote this journal entry.
September 26, 2012
"My heart aches. It literally aches. Every time I think about babies, (mostly me having babies) my heart aches. We have been trying, but with no success for more than a year now. It's hard. It's really hard. People say we should just relax, but you know what?.... that is not the problem. My hormones are all out of whack. My body isn't ovulating, my periods last for weeks and weeks on end. I hate it. I hate not knowing. I hate having to be constantly on guard for fear that the "flood gates" may open and my period might never end. I just want to be normal, regular and I want my body to ovulate. I just want to start having children.... It's frustrating. Between me and you I cry. I cry a lot. A lot more than I think Michael knows about, but I can do this. I can do hard things. Patience is my friend. Yesterday I cried when I found out someone we know is pregnant. I felt guilty, betrayed, hurt and angry. Guilty that I wasn't excited for her. Guilty that I would let jealously take over. Betrayed, hurt and angry that it wasn't me and that I wasn't the one receiving that blessing. Michael held me in his arms and reminded me of all the blessings we do have. But it's still hard. Instances like this help me realize that I'm human. I feel. I cry. I desire. Hopefully one day my heart will stop aching for a little baby and begin to be full of joy for the blessing of being a parent. Things really are in God's hands. But, I Jenny Dill will do my part to do what I can for a precious little baby."
I look back at both of these journal entries and realize how far I have come. They remind me of the struggles I have had with infertility and the struggles I feel like I have overcome. I am also reminded that I still have a long way to go. I'm not perfect and I know it. But, I believe my Heavenly Father is aware of me, my struggles, and knows exactly what I need. Whether it be me writing down my feelings, a person offering kind words, me serving others, others serving me, or whatever it may be I have had a definite growing experience over the past several years. I look forward to what the future holds and can't wait to see what the Lord has in store for me and my family.
September 10, 2012:
"There have been many occasions over the past several weeks and months where I have wanted nothing more than to pour out my heart and soul to someone and have them truly understand what I am trying to say. Moments where I have wanted to share my most personal thoughts and feelings. So personal, that I never speak of them. There have been moments of great heartache, pain, desire and a wide array of other things. I have wanted to give up, lose hope, quit trying and run away. But I tell myself no. No, I must push on. Life is hard, not the kind of hard like a math final or learning to ride a bike, but the kind of hard where you really question EVERYTHING. Yourself, your beliefs, everything you thought you knew without a doubt, your decisions, simply everything. Who is there to turn to when you feel like this??? Well duh, the answer is God. But that's hard. It is so hard to be humble and go to God saying "I have no one left to turn to but you. Please take care of me." And then, expect and have faith that he will. It's hard. It's really hard. I used to be good at this kind of thing, but lately it's like I know what I need to do, but the process seems all to difficult, painful and time consuming that I would rather just spend time moping around a little. BUT I know the way out of this rut is to turn to God, serve others and look outward. It will all work out in the end, and if it hasn't worked out, then it is not the end."
Several weeks later I wrote this journal entry.
September 26, 2012
"My heart aches. It literally aches. Every time I think about babies, (mostly me having babies) my heart aches. We have been trying, but with no success for more than a year now. It's hard. It's really hard. People say we should just relax, but you know what?.... that is not the problem. My hormones are all out of whack. My body isn't ovulating, my periods last for weeks and weeks on end. I hate it. I hate not knowing. I hate having to be constantly on guard for fear that the "flood gates" may open and my period might never end. I just want to be normal, regular and I want my body to ovulate. I just want to start having children.... It's frustrating. Between me and you I cry. I cry a lot. A lot more than I think Michael knows about, but I can do this. I can do hard things. Patience is my friend. Yesterday I cried when I found out someone we know is pregnant. I felt guilty, betrayed, hurt and angry. Guilty that I wasn't excited for her. Guilty that I would let jealously take over. Betrayed, hurt and angry that it wasn't me and that I wasn't the one receiving that blessing. Michael held me in his arms and reminded me of all the blessings we do have. But it's still hard. Instances like this help me realize that I'm human. I feel. I cry. I desire. Hopefully one day my heart will stop aching for a little baby and begin to be full of joy for the blessing of being a parent. Things really are in God's hands. But, I Jenny Dill will do my part to do what I can for a precious little baby."
I look back at both of these journal entries and realize how far I have come. They remind me of the struggles I have had with infertility and the struggles I feel like I have overcome. I am also reminded that I still have a long way to go. I'm not perfect and I know it. But, I believe my Heavenly Father is aware of me, my struggles, and knows exactly what I need. Whether it be me writing down my feelings, a person offering kind words, me serving others, others serving me, or whatever it may be I have had a definite growing experience over the past several years. I look forward to what the future holds and can't wait to see what the Lord has in store for me and my family.
Friday, March 28, 2014
These are a few of my favorite things....
Ok, so anyone who truly knows me I have a lot of favorite things. I love life and I love a lot of things that make up may life. I've always found simple things to be the best things and little things to be hilarious. I wanted to record a few of my favorite things so that in 5 years from now I can look back and say "What on earth was I even thinking?!?" or maybe something along the lines of "Man I was awesome!" Or maybe even something like "I sure have grown up to be a very mature adult!" But probably not, I'll probably always be a kid at heart and hopefully my favorite things list just continues to grow and expand.
So, here are a few of my favorite things:
1- Michael Dill. Of course. What's not to love?! He has a way of making me laugh, smile, work hard, play hard, and all around be my best self.
2- Lemons. I love lemons, lemon scented things, and lemon tasting things. Lemons Lemons Lemons!
3- Setting Goals. I love making goals and completing goals. I have an entire journal dedicated to my making, planning and following up with my goals.
4- Slippers. I go through about 2 pairs of slippers a year, and I always get the exact same pair of moccasins at Target on black friday. I love the feeling of a new pair of slippers.
5-Sewing. We have a love hate relationship where I get really frustrated with my crummy sewing machine, but I LOVE having a finished product that I made.
6- Salt and Vinegar chips, but only every once in a while. If I eat them all the time I hate them.
7- Photography. I love going on photo adventures and taking fun pictures. I used to be way more into this than I am now, but I would love to get back on the photographing train. It would probably help if my partner in crime lived a little bit closer.
8- My parents. They are awesome people who would do anything for anyone. They are wonderful examples and have guided me to be the person I am today. Love love love them!
9- Bicycles and long bike rides. I have a fetish with my bike, Lucy, and love a long afternoon bike ride around town.
10- Driving manual. Manual is so much more fun than an automatic. I especially love driving up and down hilly roads.
11- Washing dishes. I find it relaxing to wash dishes and I think it is a great time to get a whole lot of thinking done.
12- Folding laundry. I love it! It's the putting away the laundry that I hate.
13- Reading. I have a lot of favorites, but I especially love To Kill a Mockingbird, The Princess Bride, The Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane, and the list could go on and on. I also LOVE children's books. My favorite's list could go on for pages... but I won't bore you with that many details.
14- Disneyland. I used to love Disneyland, but I found an entirely new appreciation for the magic of disneyland last August when me and Mdill went together. I have been itching to go again ever since.
15- Organizing. I love organizing, re-organizing, and organizing again! Michael never says it, but I'm sure this habit of mine drives him crazy.
16- Hand-making anything. I usually have about 8 projects going and love finding new things to make.
17- Trying new recipes. My most recent favorite is apple stuffed pork chops. SO good.
18- Pickles. Very fitting with Dill as my last name, right?!?
19- The color blue. I'm a real sucker for all things and all shades blue. Green could also fit into this category.
20- Toy Story. No explanation needed. Best Ever.
21- Farmer's markets, craft fairs, and anything unique or one of a kind.
22- Natural lighting. I love the feeling of sun shining through the window, lighting up an entire room.
23- Gardening. As a kid I hated summer mornings when my dad would wake me up early to water the garden before it got to hot. Looking back I miss it! Last summer Mdill and I had our own garden and I LOVED it. I can hardly wait to have my own yard so I can plant a garden, weed it, water it, harvest it, and can all the beautiful food we grow. Gardening also reminds me of my Grandma Bonnie.... and that is one of the top reasons why I love gardening.
24- Learning something new, especially if its a handy skill to know. I have been blessed with so many people in my life that have taught me wonderful life skills and I can't wait to learn more.
25- I love the feeling of using a new toothbrush. There is just something about stiff unused bristles providing a clean mouth feeling.
26- Hot bubbly baths. I could (and often do!) take a hot bubble bath every day. It really is a top favorite winter activity. It is the best way to #1 warm up and #2 relax.
27- Grape Lady Falls. Best. Youtube. EVER! I laugh so hard, I snort and cry, every time I watch this! Want a good laugh? Click HERE for your viewing pleasure. Don't think it's funny the first time? Watch it again. I promise you will at least crack a smile.
28- Deep meaningful conversation. I love conversations that leave me thinking, seeking, and discussing further.
29- Marshmallows. Best food group ever!
30- Babies! I adore babies. As far back as I can remember I have always had inkling to pick up a baby and snuggle it. They are definitely one of my top favorite things. This is quite wonderful since I have 3 beautiful baby nieces to love on.
There are so many more things I could write and so much more I could expound upon, but I will refrain. But know.... I am a diverse complex person. I am me, I am human and I am so much more than even I realize.
28- Deep meaningful conversation. I love conversations that leave me thinking, seeking, and discussing further.
29- Marshmallows. Best food group ever!
30- Babies! I adore babies. As far back as I can remember I have always had inkling to pick up a baby and snuggle it. They are definitely one of my top favorite things. This is quite wonderful since I have 3 beautiful baby nieces to love on.
There are so many more things I could write and so much more I could expound upon, but I will refrain. But know.... I am a diverse complex person. I am me, I am human and I am so much more than even I realize.
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
My brain only runs at night....
Lately my brain only seems to function at night.
It is really quite frustrating.
I try and try and try to do my best to wake up early and get the day going, but I drag ALLLLLL Daaaay loooong. It is not until about 10 o'clock at night that my brain really gets up and going. And from then on out I can't do anything but think, think, think. I try to go to sleep, my body is so tired, but my brain tells me NO! I sit up wide awake for hours, trying my best to fall asleep, but never being able to.
I think about everything. I think about school, my senior thesis, my classes, my homework, the future, what I should wear, what I should make for dinner, my values, my faith, United States court cases, crafts, projects I need to complete, projects I want to start, what I want to be when I grow up, where I would like to vacation, new recipes I should try, camping, going for bike rides, things I should have put in the mail weeks ago, bills that are coming up, if I should go to grad school, when I'm going to do yoga next, people I really should email or call, what laundry needs to be done and the list goes on and on and on.... trust me, it's annoying.
I guess I just have too much stuff I want to do, if only I never had to sleep!
I wish my brain would knock it off and go back to it's old self... but, for now I guess I'll go take a hot bubble bath, try and relax and attempt to shut my mind down for the day.
It is really quite frustrating.
I try and try and try to do my best to wake up early and get the day going, but I drag ALLLLLL Daaaay loooong. It is not until about 10 o'clock at night that my brain really gets up and going. And from then on out I can't do anything but think, think, think. I try to go to sleep, my body is so tired, but my brain tells me NO! I sit up wide awake for hours, trying my best to fall asleep, but never being able to.
I think about everything. I think about school, my senior thesis, my classes, my homework, the future, what I should wear, what I should make for dinner, my values, my faith, United States court cases, crafts, projects I need to complete, projects I want to start, what I want to be when I grow up, where I would like to vacation, new recipes I should try, camping, going for bike rides, things I should have put in the mail weeks ago, bills that are coming up, if I should go to grad school, when I'm going to do yoga next, people I really should email or call, what laundry needs to be done and the list goes on and on and on.... trust me, it's annoying.
I guess I just have too much stuff I want to do, if only I never had to sleep!
I wish my brain would knock it off and go back to it's old self... but, for now I guess I'll go take a hot bubble bath, try and relax and attempt to shut my mind down for the day.
Thursday, March 6, 2014
Where to begin?... Here.
I don't even know where to begin with this post.
I guess I will begin by saying this: This is a very personal struggle and battle I'm writing about. I have deliberated for quite some time on whether to write what I am feeling in my personal journal and not have anyone read it until the day I die or whether to write about my feelings and emotions here on my blog. I have come to the conclusion, after quite a while of deliberating, that it is here on my blog where I would like to share my thoughts, feelings, and emotions about this. I also have felt that there are other people out there going through the same or similar things as me. I have realized that through sharing my experience I may be able to give someone a smidgen of strength, a glimpse of hope, or a piece of comfort that they are not alone. In no way am I sharing the following in order for everyone to look at me and say poor poor Jenny, or to make others feel awkward or uncomfortable talking to me, for people to judge me or anything like that. BUT, the following is shared with hesitation, but also hope, faith, and anticipation of what lies ahead. So, here goes nothing.
Babies.... Babies, babies, babies. We are at a stage in life when everyone around us has babies, is pregnant with babies, or is busy making babies. It is very very common for Michael and I to be asked "So, when are you guys going to start having kids?" "Are you guys going to get one?""Are you guys thinking of starting a family anytime soon? You guys know that having kids is not something you should put off." Think of any variety of the question "When are you having kids?" and we have probably heard it.
Hello!!! People, not to be rude but let's be honest....we know. As a part of our faith and core value system we know we should have children, and most importantly we want children more than anything. We know that families are forever. We know that our purpose here in this life is to raise a righteous family. We know that part of my role as a woman is to be a mother. We know that part of Michael's role as a man is to be father. We've been taught these things through our entire life by example and through the LDS faith.
Quite frankly, I feel that it really shouldn't be socially acceptable to ask people about when they are going to have children, but the reality is that society tells us it is perfectly acceptable. I realize that babies are an easy topic of conversation. It's a topic that is easy to relate to, and people see it as the next "step" for us in our life. In asking these kinds of questions to a young couple, judgements and opinions are placed on them. Simply it adds unnecessary stress and heartache. Having children is solely a matter between a husband, his wife, and the Lord.
So.... What is family? Do you have to have children to be a family? Heavens no! Together Michael and I are a family. I wish people would recognize that together a husband and wife are a family. They don't necessarily have to have children to be a family. Once two people join in the union of marriage, that is the beginning of a family. Yes, when children are added they become an addition to the family, but husband + wife = a family. So, the Dill family consisting of Michael and I, is a family. When we do have children they will become a part of our eternal family.
Now, on to the more difficult stuff. Above I said that when people decide to have kids is no ones business but the husband and wife, and it is. But, I feel compelled to share my thoughts and feelings of our own personal situation. This means I am willing to share our story, willing to be open and willing to let others be a part of a very personal part of our life.
Michael and I have been married almost 3 whole years, or specifically 34 months. In the large scheme of things that's barely a pinprick, but in life, time is so very precious. For 32 of the past 34 months we have been trying to "start our family"with zero success. Yup, you read right, that's 94% of our marriage that we've been trying to have kids and haven't. I'll be honest it's hard. Exceptionally hard. It's the hardest thing I have personally struggled with. Everyone seems to have a solution for us. I've heard them all and for now, I'll spare you the details! But we've tried many of the suggestions, and nothing helps us reach our ultimate goal of pregnancy. Before you jump on the band wagon and start giving us your solutions, advice and opinions let me share just a small sliver of our journey.
Growing up I wanted nothing more than to be a mom, the best mom I possibly could be. My sister and I played house all the time. We had our life like baby dolls, baby clothes, a play kitchen and even had a real baby car seat to play with. We spent hours in the basement playing house, taking turns being the mom, pretending we were much older with babies of our own, often making Adam or Heather be our kids. It was so much fun. Even then I could hardly wait to have my own babies, dress them up, give them baths, take them to the store with me, make food for them, raise them in the gospel, and simply love and adore them. I knew that motherhood was exactly what I wanted and I knew I was going to make it happen.
Flash forward several years. I met the most adorable and wonderful boy. He was handsome, funny, loved my cooking, loved me and even had a dimple in his chin. I was in love. I wanted to spend all eternity with him. I wanted to have adorable blonde little babies with him. I was so eager to start our forever together. My dreams were all becoming a reality and I couldn't wait to become a wife and a mother.
A couple of months after we got married we felt like we should start trying to have babies. We had been praying about it and felt like it was what we were supposed to do. We had been hearing from a few different people that getting pregnant is not always as easy as everyone makes it out to be. We figured we would still have 6-9 months before we actually got pregnant. It all seemed perfect to us. If it all worked out we would be able to surprise our families at Christmas with the announcement of a Baby Dill on the way. Time came and went and nothing happened.
At the beginning of the next year I was positive that this was the year. We were going to have a baby this year. I was sure of it. The first couple months of the year were long. I often didn't feel well and sometimes was so achy and hurt-y that I didn't do anything but lie on the couch and watch movies. I repeatedly had the thought "You need to go to the doctor." I repeatedly ignored the thought. I knew something was wrong, but I didn't want that to be confirmed by a doctor. I only wanted to get pregnant, not be told that something was wrong with me that would prevent that. I was scared.
After several months of ignoring my own intuition, I had had enough. My periods were very inconsistent, but when I did have a period it would last for 30+ days. Leaving me very tired, and annoyed. I felt almost disabled. I didn't feel like I could go anywhere or do anything because of the fear that my period would inhibit me. (I tried to put that in the least graphic way I could... Sorry!) I made an appointment to go see the doctor on our college campus. I was very nervous, I knew something wasn't right. I went to the appointment. The doctor came in, asked a bunch of questions, and looked confused. She decided to do a blood test to check my thyroid as well as test for pregnancy. I have no idea why she even thought I may be pregnant based off what I had told her, but whatever, she was the doctor and I was trusting her title. She emailed me with results. Everything came back negative. I wasn't pregnant and my thyroid was normal. She encouraged me to come back and get the yearly woman's check up done, just because I probably should. So, in my head she must think that maybe that would have results that showed what was wrong. I went. She didn't remember me or anything I had told her the week before. I got checked. Everything was normal and fine. She told me to come back and see her if I wanted to get pregnant and she could give me a prescription that would help get me pregnant real fast. None of my questions were answered and what I knew was a problem wasn't even addressed. I didn't feel good about about any of it and I really didn't like her solution. Yes, I wanted to get pregnant. But, I realized then that first and foremost I wanted to figure out why my body was so out of whack. I felt like that needed to be addressed before I could be miraculously and quickly pregnant.
So, I set up an appointment with my OBGYN in Salt Lake. I wanted answers and knew from previous experience with her that she would help me get to the root of it. She is absolutely wonderful. She asked questions, a lot of questions. She wrote down my answers. She did exams, blood work, and even helped me schedule an ultrasound. I left feeling listened to and hopeful. After all sorts of worrying and few doctor appointments later we figured out a portion of what was going on. My doctor diagnosed me with PCOS, or poly-cystic-ovarian-syndrome. She let me know that a large part of what I could do to help the problem was to maintain a healthy diet and exercise regularly. She also let me know that in the long run it is not impossible to get pregnant, but it would be very difficult to get pregnant. Why? Because my body isn't "cycling" as most women's bodies do. She recommended that we visit a fertility specialist to learn more and find ways in which they would be able to help us reach our goal of children.....
.....And, that is essentially where we are, limbo. We are waiting until after graduation in July to take the next steps. We have plans on what we are going to do next, but that's another story for another time.
What this roller coaster of the past three years comes down to is that I have fears. I fear I will never have the blessing of being a mother. I fear that medical miracles won't happen for me. I fear that my faith and hope will not be enough. I fear that it will always be only Michael and I. But, I have learned that I cannot let those fears overcome and make my decisions for me. I must keep moving forward with faith and trust that in the end everything will work out how my Heavenly Father sees fit for Michael and I.
Through all of this I have had many experiences first hand that have strengthened my faith and given me hope. A few of them include:
- Other people can be such a strength. I have had so many tender mercies over the past several years that have helped get me through some of my darkest moments.
- It's ok to spend 15 minutes crying for myself, as long as I don't dwell on it and let the sadness consume me.
- I can't let myself be completely hopeless, because that is a very ugly place.
- Even if I never have children I am no less of a woman. (I will have children! You just wait and see.)
- I am stronger than I ever thought I was.
- Being a woman means so much more than being a mom.
- I can't be angry at other people because of the blessings they receive. I have my own life, my own struggles and my own blessings.
- Life is a journey, I need to embrace every adventure in this journey and find answers to the questions I didn't even know I had.
- Life isn't fair and it wasn't meant to be easy. Momma Linda always told me this growing up, and now I believe her more than ever.
-I can be and will be a strength to others.
I plan to keep on recording my thoughts and feelings as well as my good and my bad days. There will be to more to come... both in the future and sharing of past experiences. There are so many things I continually learn and recognize about myself as I go through this. The one thing that remains constant is that I have a Heavenly Father who knows and loves me. He knows me way better than I know myself. He knows exactly what I am capable of and what I can handle. He knows that I need this learning experience and He knows exactly why I do. (I'm slowly discovering why for myself.) Even at times when I feel completely alone and utter and complete heartache, I look back and recognize that my Heavenly Father is there cheering my on all along the way. The words of an LDS primary song keep coming to mind:
I belong to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
I guess I will begin by saying this: This is a very personal struggle and battle I'm writing about. I have deliberated for quite some time on whether to write what I am feeling in my personal journal and not have anyone read it until the day I die or whether to write about my feelings and emotions here on my blog. I have come to the conclusion, after quite a while of deliberating, that it is here on my blog where I would like to share my thoughts, feelings, and emotions about this. I also have felt that there are other people out there going through the same or similar things as me. I have realized that through sharing my experience I may be able to give someone a smidgen of strength, a glimpse of hope, or a piece of comfort that they are not alone. In no way am I sharing the following in order for everyone to look at me and say poor poor Jenny, or to make others feel awkward or uncomfortable talking to me, for people to judge me or anything like that. BUT, the following is shared with hesitation, but also hope, faith, and anticipation of what lies ahead. So, here goes nothing.
Babies.... Babies, babies, babies. We are at a stage in life when everyone around us has babies, is pregnant with babies, or is busy making babies. It is very very common for Michael and I to be asked "So, when are you guys going to start having kids?" "Are you guys going to get one?""Are you guys thinking of starting a family anytime soon? You guys know that having kids is not something you should put off." Think of any variety of the question "When are you having kids?" and we have probably heard it.
Hello!!! People, not to be rude but let's be honest....we know. As a part of our faith and core value system we know we should have children, and most importantly we want children more than anything. We know that families are forever. We know that our purpose here in this life is to raise a righteous family. We know that part of my role as a woman is to be a mother. We know that part of Michael's role as a man is to be father. We've been taught these things through our entire life by example and through the LDS faith.
Quite frankly, I feel that it really shouldn't be socially acceptable to ask people about when they are going to have children, but the reality is that society tells us it is perfectly acceptable. I realize that babies are an easy topic of conversation. It's a topic that is easy to relate to, and people see it as the next "step" for us in our life. In asking these kinds of questions to a young couple, judgements and opinions are placed on them. Simply it adds unnecessary stress and heartache. Having children is solely a matter between a husband, his wife, and the Lord.
So.... What is family? Do you have to have children to be a family? Heavens no! Together Michael and I are a family. I wish people would recognize that together a husband and wife are a family. They don't necessarily have to have children to be a family. Once two people join in the union of marriage, that is the beginning of a family. Yes, when children are added they become an addition to the family, but husband + wife = a family. So, the Dill family consisting of Michael and I, is a family. When we do have children they will become a part of our eternal family.
Now, on to the more difficult stuff. Above I said that when people decide to have kids is no ones business but the husband and wife, and it is. But, I feel compelled to share my thoughts and feelings of our own personal situation. This means I am willing to share our story, willing to be open and willing to let others be a part of a very personal part of our life.
Michael and I have been married almost 3 whole years, or specifically 34 months. In the large scheme of things that's barely a pinprick, but in life, time is so very precious. For 32 of the past 34 months we have been trying to "start our family"with zero success. Yup, you read right, that's 94% of our marriage that we've been trying to have kids and haven't. I'll be honest it's hard. Exceptionally hard. It's the hardest thing I have personally struggled with. Everyone seems to have a solution for us. I've heard them all and for now, I'll spare you the details! But we've tried many of the suggestions, and nothing helps us reach our ultimate goal of pregnancy. Before you jump on the band wagon and start giving us your solutions, advice and opinions let me share just a small sliver of our journey.
Growing up I wanted nothing more than to be a mom, the best mom I possibly could be. My sister and I played house all the time. We had our life like baby dolls, baby clothes, a play kitchen and even had a real baby car seat to play with. We spent hours in the basement playing house, taking turns being the mom, pretending we were much older with babies of our own, often making Adam or Heather be our kids. It was so much fun. Even then I could hardly wait to have my own babies, dress them up, give them baths, take them to the store with me, make food for them, raise them in the gospel, and simply love and adore them. I knew that motherhood was exactly what I wanted and I knew I was going to make it happen.
Flash forward several years. I met the most adorable and wonderful boy. He was handsome, funny, loved my cooking, loved me and even had a dimple in his chin. I was in love. I wanted to spend all eternity with him. I wanted to have adorable blonde little babies with him. I was so eager to start our forever together. My dreams were all becoming a reality and I couldn't wait to become a wife and a mother.
A couple of months after we got married we felt like we should start trying to have babies. We had been praying about it and felt like it was what we were supposed to do. We had been hearing from a few different people that getting pregnant is not always as easy as everyone makes it out to be. We figured we would still have 6-9 months before we actually got pregnant. It all seemed perfect to us. If it all worked out we would be able to surprise our families at Christmas with the announcement of a Baby Dill on the way. Time came and went and nothing happened.
At the beginning of the next year I was positive that this was the year. We were going to have a baby this year. I was sure of it. The first couple months of the year were long. I often didn't feel well and sometimes was so achy and hurt-y that I didn't do anything but lie on the couch and watch movies. I repeatedly had the thought "You need to go to the doctor." I repeatedly ignored the thought. I knew something was wrong, but I didn't want that to be confirmed by a doctor. I only wanted to get pregnant, not be told that something was wrong with me that would prevent that. I was scared.
After several months of ignoring my own intuition, I had had enough. My periods were very inconsistent, but when I did have a period it would last for 30+ days. Leaving me very tired, and annoyed. I felt almost disabled. I didn't feel like I could go anywhere or do anything because of the fear that my period would inhibit me. (I tried to put that in the least graphic way I could... Sorry!) I made an appointment to go see the doctor on our college campus. I was very nervous, I knew something wasn't right. I went to the appointment. The doctor came in, asked a bunch of questions, and looked confused. She decided to do a blood test to check my thyroid as well as test for pregnancy. I have no idea why she even thought I may be pregnant based off what I had told her, but whatever, she was the doctor and I was trusting her title. She emailed me with results. Everything came back negative. I wasn't pregnant and my thyroid was normal. She encouraged me to come back and get the yearly woman's check up done, just because I probably should. So, in my head she must think that maybe that would have results that showed what was wrong. I went. She didn't remember me or anything I had told her the week before. I got checked. Everything was normal and fine. She told me to come back and see her if I wanted to get pregnant and she could give me a prescription that would help get me pregnant real fast. None of my questions were answered and what I knew was a problem wasn't even addressed. I didn't feel good about about any of it and I really didn't like her solution. Yes, I wanted to get pregnant. But, I realized then that first and foremost I wanted to figure out why my body was so out of whack. I felt like that needed to be addressed before I could be miraculously and quickly pregnant.
So, I set up an appointment with my OBGYN in Salt Lake. I wanted answers and knew from previous experience with her that she would help me get to the root of it. She is absolutely wonderful. She asked questions, a lot of questions. She wrote down my answers. She did exams, blood work, and even helped me schedule an ultrasound. I left feeling listened to and hopeful. After all sorts of worrying and few doctor appointments later we figured out a portion of what was going on. My doctor diagnosed me with PCOS, or poly-cystic-ovarian-syndrome. She let me know that a large part of what I could do to help the problem was to maintain a healthy diet and exercise regularly. She also let me know that in the long run it is not impossible to get pregnant, but it would be very difficult to get pregnant. Why? Because my body isn't "cycling" as most women's bodies do. She recommended that we visit a fertility specialist to learn more and find ways in which they would be able to help us reach our goal of children.....
.....And, that is essentially where we are, limbo. We are waiting until after graduation in July to take the next steps. We have plans on what we are going to do next, but that's another story for another time.
What this roller coaster of the past three years comes down to is that I have fears. I fear I will never have the blessing of being a mother. I fear that medical miracles won't happen for me. I fear that my faith and hope will not be enough. I fear that it will always be only Michael and I. But, I have learned that I cannot let those fears overcome and make my decisions for me. I must keep moving forward with faith and trust that in the end everything will work out how my Heavenly Father sees fit for Michael and I.
Through all of this I have had many experiences first hand that have strengthened my faith and given me hope. A few of them include:
- Other people can be such a strength. I have had so many tender mercies over the past several years that have helped get me through some of my darkest moments.
- It's ok to spend 15 minutes crying for myself, as long as I don't dwell on it and let the sadness consume me.
- I can't let myself be completely hopeless, because that is a very ugly place.
- Even if I never have children I am no less of a woman. (I will have children! You just wait and see.)
- I am stronger than I ever thought I was.
- Being a woman means so much more than being a mom.
- I can't be angry at other people because of the blessings they receive. I have my own life, my own struggles and my own blessings.
- Life is a journey, I need to embrace every adventure in this journey and find answers to the questions I didn't even know I had.
- Life isn't fair and it wasn't meant to be easy. Momma Linda always told me this growing up, and now I believe her more than ever.
-I can be and will be a strength to others.
I plan to keep on recording my thoughts and feelings as well as my good and my bad days. There will be to more to come... both in the future and sharing of past experiences. There are so many things I continually learn and recognize about myself as I go through this. The one thing that remains constant is that I have a Heavenly Father who knows and loves me. He knows me way better than I know myself. He knows exactly what I am capable of and what I can handle. He knows that I need this learning experience and He knows exactly why I do. (I'm slowly discovering why for myself.) Even at times when I feel completely alone and utter and complete heartache, I look back and recognize that my Heavenly Father is there cheering my on all along the way. The words of an LDS primary song keep coming to mind:
I belong to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
I know who I am.
I know God's plan.
I'll follow him in faith.
I believe in the Savior, Jesus Christ.
I'll honor his name.
I'll do what is right;
I'll follow his light.
His truth I will proclaim.
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