Where to begin?... Here.

I don't even know where to begin with this post.

I guess I will begin by saying this: This is a very personal struggle and battle I'm writing about. I have deliberated for quite some time on whether to write what I am feeling in my personal journal and not have anyone read it until the day I die or whether to write about my feelings and emotions here on my blog. I have come to the conclusion, after quite a while of deliberating, that it is here on my blog where I would like to share my thoughts, feelings, and emotions about this. I also have felt that there are other people out there going through the same or similar things as me. I have realized that through sharing my experience I may be able to give someone a smidgen of strength, a glimpse of hope, or a piece of comfort that they are not alone. In no way am I sharing the following in order for everyone to look at me and say poor poor Jenny, or to make others feel awkward or uncomfortable talking to me, for people to judge me or anything like that. BUT, the following is shared with hesitation, but also hope, faith, and anticipation of what lies ahead. So, here goes nothing.

Babies.... Babies, babies, babies. We are at a stage in life when everyone around us has babies, is pregnant with babies, or is busy making babies. It is very very common for Michael and I to be asked "So, when are you guys going to start having kids?" "Are you guys going to get one?""Are you guys thinking of starting a family anytime soon? You guys know that having kids is not something you should put off." Think of any variety of the question "When are you having kids?" and we have probably heard it.

Hello!!! People, not to be rude but let's be honest....we know. As a part of our faith and core value system we know we should have children, and most importantly we want children more than anything. We know that families are forever. We know that our purpose here in this life is to raise a righteous family. We know that part of my role as a woman is to be a mother. We know that part of Michael's role as a man is to be father. We've been taught these things through our entire life by example and through the LDS faith.

Quite frankly, I feel that it really shouldn't be socially acceptable to ask people about when they are going to have children, but the reality is that society tells us it is perfectly acceptable. I realize that babies are an easy topic of conversation. It's a topic that is easy to relate to, and people see it as the next "step" for us in our life.  In asking these kinds of questions to a young couple, judgements and opinions are placed on them. Simply it adds unnecessary stress and heartache. Having children is solely a matter between a husband, his wife, and the Lord.

So.... What is family? Do you have to have children to be a family? Heavens no!  Together Michael and I are a family. I wish people would recognize that together a husband and wife are a family. They don't necessarily have to have children to be a family. Once two people join in the union of marriage, that is the beginning of a family. Yes, when children are added they become an addition to the family, but husband + wife = a family. So, the Dill family consisting of Michael and I, is a family. When we do have children they will become a part of our eternal family.

Now, on to the more difficult stuff. Above I said that when people decide to have kids is no ones business but the husband and wife, and it is. But, I feel compelled to share my thoughts and feelings of our own personal situation. This means I am willing to share our story, willing to be open and willing to let others be a part of a very personal part of our life.  

Michael and I have been married almost 3 whole years, or specifically 34 months. In the large scheme of things that's barely a pinprick, but in life, time is so very precious. For 32 of the past 34 months we have been trying to "start our family"with zero success. Yup, you read right, that's 94% of our marriage that we've been trying to have kids and haven't. I'll be honest it's hard. Exceptionally hard. It's the hardest thing I have personally struggled with. Everyone seems to have a solution for us. I've heard them all and for now, I'll spare you the details! But we've tried many of the suggestions, and nothing helps us reach our ultimate goal of pregnancy. Before you jump on the band wagon and start giving us your solutions, advice and opinions let me share just a small sliver of our journey.

Growing up I wanted nothing more than to be a mom, the best mom I possibly could be. My sister and I played house all the time. We had our life like baby dolls, baby clothes, a play kitchen and even had a real baby car seat to play with. We spent hours in the basement playing house, taking turns being the mom, pretending we were much older with babies of our own,  often making Adam or Heather be our kids. It was so much fun. Even then I could hardly wait to have my own babies, dress them up, give them baths, take them to the store with me, make food for them, raise them in the gospel, and simply love and adore them. I knew that motherhood was exactly what I wanted and I knew I was going to make it happen.

Flash forward several years. I met the most adorable and wonderful boy. He was handsome, funny, loved my cooking, loved me and even had a dimple in his chin. I was in love. I wanted to spend all eternity with him. I wanted to have adorable blonde little babies with him. I was so eager to start our forever together. My dreams were all becoming a reality and I couldn't wait to become a wife and a mother.

A couple of  months after we got married we felt like we should start trying to have babies. We had been praying about it and felt like it was what we were supposed to do. We had been hearing from a few different people that getting pregnant is not always as easy as everyone makes it out to be. We figured we would still have 6-9 months before we actually got pregnant. It all seemed perfect to us. If it all worked out we would be able to surprise our families at Christmas with the announcement of a Baby Dill on the way. Time came and went and nothing happened.

At the beginning of the next year I was positive that this was the year. We were going to have a baby this year. I was sure of it. The first couple months of the year were long. I often didn't feel well and sometimes was so achy and hurt-y that I didn't do anything but lie on the couch and watch movies. I repeatedly had the thought "You need to go to the doctor." I repeatedly ignored the thought. I knew something was wrong, but I didn't want that to be confirmed by a doctor. I only wanted to get pregnant, not be told that something was wrong with me that would prevent that. I was scared.

After several months of ignoring my own intuition, I had had enough. My periods were very inconsistent, but when I did have a period it would last for 30+ days.  Leaving me very tired, and annoyed. I felt almost disabled. I didn't feel like I could go anywhere or do anything because of the fear that my period would inhibit me. (I tried to put that in the least graphic way I could... Sorry!) I made an appointment to go see the doctor on our college campus. I was very nervous, I knew something wasn't right. I went to the appointment. The doctor came in, asked a bunch of questions, and looked confused. She decided to do a blood test to check my thyroid as well as test for pregnancy. I have no idea why she even thought I may be pregnant based off what I had told her, but whatever, she was the doctor and I was trusting her title. She emailed me with results. Everything came back negative. I wasn't pregnant and my thyroid was normal. She encouraged me to come back and get the yearly woman's check up done, just because I probably should. So, in my head she must think that maybe that would have results that showed what was wrong. I went. She didn't remember me or anything I had told her the week before. I got checked. Everything was normal and fine. She told me to come back and see her if I wanted to get pregnant and she could give me a prescription that would help get me pregnant real fast. None of my questions were answered and what I knew was a problem wasn't even addressed. I didn't feel good about about any of it and I really didn't like her solution. Yes, I wanted to get pregnant. But, I realized then that first and foremost I wanted to figure out why my body was so out of whack. I felt like that needed to be addressed before I could be miraculously and quickly pregnant.

So, I set up an appointment with my OBGYN in Salt Lake. I wanted answers and knew from previous experience with her that she would help me get to the root of it. She is absolutely wonderful. She asked questions, a lot of questions. She wrote down my answers. She did exams, blood work, and even helped me schedule an ultrasound. I left feeling listened to and hopeful. After all sorts of worrying and few doctor appointments later we figured out a portion of what was going on. My doctor diagnosed me with PCOS, or poly-cystic-ovarian-syndrome. She let me know that a large part of what I could do to help the problem was to maintain a healthy diet and exercise regularly. She also let me know that in the long run it is not impossible to get pregnant, but it would be very difficult to get pregnant. Why? Because my body isn't "cycling" as most women's bodies do. She recommended that we visit a fertility specialist to learn more and find ways in which they would be able to help us reach our goal of children.....

.....And, that is essentially where we are, limbo. We are waiting until after graduation in July to take the next steps. We have plans on what we are going to do next, but that's another story for another time.  

What this roller coaster of the past three years comes down to is that I have fears. I fear I will never have the blessing of being a mother. I fear that medical miracles won't happen for me. I fear that my faith and hope will not be enough. I fear that it will always be only Michael and I. But, I have learned that I cannot let those fears overcome and make my decisions for me. I must keep moving forward with faith and trust that in the end everything will work out how my Heavenly Father sees fit for Michael and I.  

Through all of this I have had many experiences first hand that have strengthened my faith and given me hope. A few of them include:
- Other people can be such a strength. I have had so many tender mercies over the past several years that have helped get me through some of my darkest moments.
- It's ok to spend 15 minutes crying for myself, as long as I don't dwell on it and let the sadness consume me.
- I can't let myself be completely hopeless, because that is a very ugly place.
- Even if I never have children I am no less of a woman. (I will have children! You just wait and see.)
- I am stronger than I ever thought I was.
- Being a woman means so much more than being a mom. 
- I can't be angry at other people because of the blessings they receive. I have my own life, my own struggles and my own blessings.
-  Life is a journey, I need to embrace every adventure in this journey and find answers to the questions I didn't even know I had.
- Life isn't fair and it wasn't meant to be easy. Momma Linda always told me this growing up, and now I believe her more than ever.
-I can be and will be a strength to others.  

I plan to keep on recording my thoughts and feelings as well as my good and my bad days. There will be to more to come... both in the future and sharing of past experiences. There are so many things I continually learn and recognize about myself as I go through this. The one thing that remains constant is that I have a Heavenly Father who knows and loves me. He knows me way better than I know myself. He knows exactly what I am capable of and what I can handle. He knows that I need this learning experience and He knows exactly why I do. (I'm slowly discovering why for myself.) Even at times when I feel completely alone and utter and complete heartache, I look back and recognize that my Heavenly Father is there cheering my on all along the way. The words of an LDS primary song keep coming to mind:

I belong to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

I know who I am.

I know God's plan.

I'll follow him in faith.

I believe in the Savior, Jesus Christ.

I'll honor his name.

I'll do what is right;

I'll follow his light.

His truth I will proclaim.