Journal Entries

I promised more blog posts about my struggle with infertility and I intend to keep that promise. With all of my sharing my goal is to be honest with myself. This writing is more for me than anything, but I want to be a strength to others if I can. So, here goes. I was reading through my journal last night and came across several passages from a few years ago. I thought I would start my "sharing" of some of the experiences I've had throughout this journey by sharing a portion of a two journal entries.

September 10, 2012: 
"There have been many occasions over the past several weeks and months where I have wanted nothing more than to pour out my heart and soul to someone and have them truly understand what I am trying to say. Moments where I have wanted to share my most personal thoughts and feelings. So personal, that I never speak of them. There have been moments of great heartache, pain, desire and a wide array of other things. I have wanted to give up, lose hope, quit trying and run away. But I tell myself no. No, I must push on. Life is hard, not the kind of hard like a math final or learning to ride a bike, but the kind of hard where you really question EVERYTHING. Yourself, your beliefs, everything you thought you knew without a doubt, your decisions, simply everything. Who is there to turn to when you feel like this??? Well duh, the answer is God. But that's hard. It is so hard to be humble and go to God saying "I have no one left to turn to but you. Please take care of me." And then, expect and have faith that he will. It's hard. It's really hard. I used to be good at this kind of thing, but lately it's like I know what I need to do, but the process seems all to difficult, painful and time consuming that I would rather just spend time moping around a little. BUT I know the way out of this rut is to turn to God, serve others and look outward. It will all work out in the end, and if it hasn't worked out, then it is not the end." 

Several weeks later I wrote this journal entry.
September 26, 2012
"My heart aches. It literally aches. Every time I think about babies, (mostly me having babies) my heart aches. We have been trying, but with no success for more than a year now. It's hard. It's really hard. People say we should just relax, but you know what?.... that is not the problem. My hormones are all out of whack. My body isn't ovulating, my periods last for weeks and weeks on end. I hate it. I hate not knowing. I hate having to be constantly on guard for fear that the "flood gates" may open and my period might never end. I just want to be normal, regular and I want my body to ovulate. I just want to start having children.... It's frustrating. Between me and you I cry. I cry a lot. A lot more than I think Michael knows about, but I can do this. I can do hard things. Patience is my friend. Yesterday I cried when I found out someone we know is pregnant. I felt guilty, betrayed, hurt and angry. Guilty that I wasn't excited for her. Guilty that I would let jealously take over. Betrayed, hurt and angry that it wasn't me and that I wasn't the one receiving that blessing. Michael held me in his arms and reminded me of all the blessings we do have. But it's still hard. Instances like this help me realize that I'm human. I feel. I cry. I desire. Hopefully one day my heart will stop aching for a little baby and begin to be full of joy for the blessing of being a parent. Things really are in God's hands. But, I Jenny Dill will do my part to do what I can for a precious little baby." 

I look back at both of these journal entries and realize how far I have come. They remind me of the struggles I have had with infertility and the struggles I feel like I have overcome. I am also reminded that I still have a long way to go. I'm not perfect and I know it. But, I believe my Heavenly Father is aware of me, my struggles, and knows exactly what I need. Whether it be me writing down my feelings, a person offering kind words, me serving others, others serving me, or whatever it may be I have had a definite growing experience over the past several years. I look forward to what the future holds and can't wait to see what the Lord has in store for me and my family.